A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
