That's when you crack a 10am beer
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
