she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't deserve a penis
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
