i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
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Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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