how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
