My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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