Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
