My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
