I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
