Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
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Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Watching her eat just hurts me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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