What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
