I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
