i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
