Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
