oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
