he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
