if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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