a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
