I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
