I got her a Nickelback box set.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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