Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
