when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize