he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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