My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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