the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
50% drunk capacity currently
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
