What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
