areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
