one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
