they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
