Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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