Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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