She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
