Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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