totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
