At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
