two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
