I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my being single is dangerous.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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