your thong is hanging out like whoa
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
