That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
