1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
