I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
