dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
