I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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