so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
