...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
