I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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