I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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