That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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