Got a toothbrush?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
