Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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