If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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