What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if only i could text you this smell
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
