We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
