one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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