I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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