I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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