my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
