I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
